Often times, when someone has passed away, friends of the people mourning will try and comfort them. This is to be expected, the sadness caused by death is awkward and depressing on so many levels. And it will always eventually happen where, in the innocent act of trying to comfort, someone will say "they would have liked that." I understand where this line of thinking comes from and in some cases, you may be absolutely right. The deceased may have LOVED whatever you're assuming they would have liked. But do you know that for sure?
I remember a few years ago watching a movie called "The U.S. vs. John Lennon" and it was about the battle that the United States had with John Lennon and his ideas and the things he did. It was a wonderful documentary and one of the people they interviewed was, of course, Yoko Ono. Towards the end, she said that she thought that John would have liked the movie. But I feel that there is no actual way to know that for sure. Because it's been years since he was killed, in those years, if he were still alive, who's to say that something wouldn't have happened that would forever change his outlook on things. All it takes is one event, something small, for someone's thoughts and actions to be forever altered.
Had John Lennon lived, there's always that possibility that he would have changed his outlooks on things. Because he could, like anybody can, change his mind on things at any given time. Had he lived, he could have become a totally different person than who he was. In spite of how well Yoko knew John, I feel that she really had no right to say that. Because even with as well as she knew him, he was always human. And people change.
I know, that sounds so typical, the whole "people change" line but really, where were you a year ago in your life? What were you doing a year ago that you don't do anymore? What are you doing now that you didn't do a year ago? Me personally, I ended a horrible relationship, made an entirely new group of friends via a social scene that I never knew existed, started a wonderful, new relationship (and a long distance one - something I said I would never do) and I moved back in with my parents. I've had to face the realities of my grandparents growing old, handle the suicide of a friend and took in 2 more cats. The person I am now would likely punch the person I was a year ago in the face if they met. Because they're just not the same anymore.
A year ago, you could have said that I would love to be able to take a trip to the beach for a week. But now, you'd be wrong. Do I still love and long for the beach? Yes, absolutely, but if I had a choice, I would rather go somewhere and dance for a week than to go sunbathe and get awful tan lines. So when you tell me that my friend would love something I did or said, I appreciate the gesture. Really, I do and I will thank you every time. I understand where it comes from. But you're wrong. And it saddens me that you don't know how wrong you are.
Perhaps these are just my thoughts, perhaps I've thought about it a bit too much. But I know there has to be at least one other person in the world who agrees with me. And to them, I say that I'm sorry for your loss, may your memories of them remain as vivid in 20 years as they are now and just know that well wishers mean well.
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