It's Not Official

I want to know what has happened in our society. How have we come to a point in our lives that putting our current relational status on social media networks has become so mandatory that not having it listed means that you're not even thinking about dating anybody. More than a few times in the past few months, I have been told that I'm not really dating anybody, that I'm not really in a relationship with anybody because it isn't on Facebook and online news feeds are totes real life.

I have so many issues with this that I don't even know where to begin. Taking a look at the labels that are normally given to people in a relationship, the boyfriend/girlfriend terms that just seem a bit childish. Why can I casually refer to any female I associate with as a "girlfriend" without a single eye being batted but if I mention a "boyfriend," I get the quizzical eyes and am immediately interrogated? Since when am I not allowed to have boy friends but unlimited girl friends? I know I'm all for some sexism and bitches making sandwiches, but that's pushing even my limits on what's acceptable behavior from a society. What if I don't feel the urge to say "boyfriend?" What if I think of "boyfriend" as a high school term, like "going out" was so middle school? Is that such an abstract thought, to say that I'm dating instead of putting myself into the box of being a "girlfriend?" And just out of pure laziness, the extra syllables required to say "my boyfriend" are not worth it to me. (I like my words, but I like saving syllables when I can. It's a weird quirk that I picked up as a kid)

Then there's the issue of why I'm supposed to have every detail of my personal life sprayed all over everywhere. I understand I put a lot of shit on Facebook, but my love life is just that - mine. I have a planner that I put the personal stuff in. I have this thing about sacred moments and how some things in my life are mine and only mine. The little things that happen that you don't share with anyone, you keep them for yourself. Like mental chocolate, they're good to keep so you can have them on bad days when you need a smile. And in spite of all seemingly contrary evidence, I really am quite a private person. I can lean very heavily towards the full disclosure side of things, but just because I'm talking doesn't mean I'm actually telling you anything outside of superfluous information. This being said, why then would I feel the need to graffiti my profile with a giant pink heart that says I'm in a relationship? Yes, I'm happier than a chihuahua with a t-bone to be in the relationship I'm in but I would rather tell Facebook that he's singing Kesha while making crepes (that hasn't happened.....yet) because I know other people who would enjoy knowing that information. "Officially" broadcasting that I'm in a relationship would be pure self gratification and it still serves me no purpose.

The only amusing aspect of any of this is the people who seem to think that I drive all the way to Cookeville to be with someone I'm not romantically interested in. Yes, I've driven way further than that to see friends, but I don't make a habit of it. Why would I drive 3 hours round trip to hang out with a guy in a house full of guys? Do they think that the only male attention I can get is an hour and a half away? Am I so repulsive that there is not another guy within a more reasonable radius of my house that I could go see to get my cuddles on? I mean, I know I don't exactly knock 'em dead, but I thought I was more attractive than that. And a house full of guys; while that sounds like so much fun for someone as flirtatious as I can be, really what it ends up being is me awkwardly hanging out in the background as they make references to jokes that I'm sure I don't want explained to me, make loud noises, burp, fart and talk about shitting. And when that's not happening, there's the constant noise of video games and sports coming from at least one room in the house. Why would someone think that I would put up with that just to snuggle with someone that I'm not emotionally invested in and who has no interest in me? I have a feeling that if I went up to a random guy and said "you, me, bed, now," I'd have a pretty good chance of it working. And if all else fails, I have three cats who want nothing more than to snuggle with me. I don't even have to leave my house.

 It's been bothering me that, not only are people thinking this way, but that they are capable of reproducing and voting. What could I say to sufficiently shut them up? I've been trying to figure out what comeback would be so fantastic to the "you're not in a relationship" comments that the person would be shut down. I have had no luck so far. But then it came to me:

"Facebook doesn't say you're in a relationship..."

"And Facebook didn't tell me that you were going to end up being such an ignorant fucktard when I friended you but that doesn't mean it's not true."

This will end up serving more than one purpose. Not only will I be able to release any frustration I may be feeling at the time, but it will likely also end any budding friendships with ignorant fucktards that I may have been in the beginning stages of. And that will, in the long run, save me so much unnecessary emotional investment as I tend to be a lover and form very deep bonds with the people in my circle. I'm so excited about this that I almost can't wait for the next person to say something about it to me. But really, I can wait, please people, don't be an ignorant fucktard.

Geometric Love

Love is illogical. It's not a feeling that anyone ever describes quite the same, you cannot weigh it, you cannot see it physically, only in action. It's easier to see over time than in an instant, it has no taste or smell. You cannot touch it. But you can feel it. And I was thinking about if it was possible to turn love into something logical. I was stuck, thinking that it might just be an idea until I looked at a piece of graph paper. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Most relationships, I've observed, are like perpendicular lines. They meet at a point and everything converges and for a time, they are one, they are a whole and everything goes together. But then the lines of their lives continue and they go apart from each other, growing further away from each other with each passing moment.

That sucks. I don't want anything like that in my life. I hate the friendships I've had like that, I've despised when that happens in a romantic relationship. I tend to out love other people and I get destroyed so easily. If I weren't such a lover, I would have said "fuck this shit" long ago and joined a monastery. I've had the example of my grandparents to look at on how a relationship should work. 50+ years, four kids, a farm, and three states. They did the long distance thing for a while when he was in the Navy (very, very long distance), they opened and ran a business, built a home from the foundation and still managed to keep it together. Listening to them talk, you might wonder how they managed it. I know I have quite a bit growing up. But I realized that no matter what they've done, they've done it side by side. They're like parallel lines. They never intersect in the explosion of similarities that most relationships do, they go on, side by side, infinitely.

I want that. I want to say, "You there, heading that way, I'm going there too. You stay over there and you have your things that you like, that you do, that you visit and eat and listen to and enjoy and I'll keep mine over here. We can share our experiences, but you stay there and I'll stay here and together, we will go on forever, in the same direction." I want to take that space between the lines and fill them with our shared lives and experiences. I think maybe the reason people get into relationships that don't work is because they see that there is another line about to intersect them and it catches their attention for a fleeting moment. And all these lines form a grid, like graph paper on an acid trip.

But when you stop looking at what's happening on the side and you focus forward, you notice that there is someone headed in the same direction you are in life and from then on, you're with one another. I think that this is how it should be. Two people, next to each other for eternity. Parallel lines.

Dear Jesse

Note: While writing this post, I was unable to control my emotions and could not see the screen for most of the time spent writing. As such, this post is littered with minor grammatical and spelling errors. I would have fixed them but I can't seem to make it past the first paragraph without getting blurry eyed. I apologize in advance for this.

I miss you more than I can ever possibly describe, I love you more than you ever knew. I just can't help but to think that if you knew how much I love you, that you wouldn't be gone, that I wouldn't be sitting on my bed crying too much to actually see what I'm writing. I don't want to write this, not about you. I can't help but think that if I told you more how much you were loved, that you wouldn't have done it, that I could have saved you. But that's hat everyone tells me I shouldn't think, but when have I ever listened to what everyone says? Part of me keeps holding onto the hope that I'll see you again, but at best it'll just be a tombstone. You were such a beautiful person, one of my favorite people ever. I'll always miss you, I'll always love you.

I remember when we met, summer camp in Minnesota. I was 12, you were 14 and so charming. Our awkward conversations continued the whole 2 weeks, I think you're the closest to love at first sight that I've ever experienced. Your baby blues seemed to look into me and just know what I was feeling and thinking. You were the first guy to ever actively take an interest in me and you thought my crazy, blue Cleopatra eyeliner was awesome. We learned to dance and you completely stole my heart, not that I fought giving it to you. That canoe trip that we went on separately nearly killed both of us, our puppy love filled hearts couldn't stand being apart for 3 days. I remember we gave each other the biggest hug afterward,  I think they separated us on purpose.

The time flew by, those 2 weeks were not nearly long enough and the next thing I knew, we were standing next to the lake saying our goodbyes. Neither of us wanted to go and we stalled as much as we could. You gave me a hug, an amazing hug that I wish so desperately I could have another of. And then you kissed me. It was a small, timid one on my cheek, but it was my first kiss. We walked towards the buses and left. I cried openly and you tried not to. Every moment of that bus ride to the airport, my insides were screaming to turn around and go back to you. The second I got on the plane and sat down, I started writing you a letter.

After we both got home, we spent as much time on the phone as we could and we wrote what we thought were the most beautiful love letters to each other. I was actually convinced I would marry you one day. Time went on and we didn't talk every day or write as often. We still kept in touch, but I think we both knew that the distance between us was too great. Of course the Florida girl had to fall for the California cutie.

Life went on and I ended up in my boarding school in Mexico. I remember when I got the call from my mom, you had called her looking for me but I wasn't there. Your mom had died and you called me looking for support. I was a wreck, worrying about you, wishing I could actually be there for you. I was allowed to e-mail you through my mom and you got some of your frustrations out, but it wasn't helping. Depression took a hold of you and never really let go. Your world was shattered and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I wanted to be so badly.

After Mexico, I made a Myspace and we were in constant contact again. We talked about how awesome it would be to see each other again, and it would have been. Life kept happening to both of us, I had my boy troubles, you met Allie. I could instantly tell that there was something super special about her by how you talked. I remember being so happy for you, that things were finally starting to look up in your life, for now. You guys had an on/off relationship that seemed to be both good and bad for both of you. When she wasn't around, you got on drugs really bad. I was watching you spiral and I could do nothing to stop it. There were too many nights where I cried myself to sleep not knowing if you were dead or alive, praying that if you were alive, that you were okay. The reality was that you never recovered from the death of your mom. It hurt so much to see you in so much pain and to be so completely helpless. I wished I could take it away, I would have gladly carried your pain, your burden, if it meant that your eyes could smile when you did, instead of looking hollow.

I know I never told you this, but you were a deal breaker in any relationship I was in; if I wasn't "allowed" to talk to you, then it was over. It didn't matter how much I liked the guy or how much he had going for him, you were always more important to me. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that enough.

It's been 2 years since we last talked. You were getting off drugs, you and Allie were doing good, you sounded really happy. I remember the last time we talked on the phone, I was at church. I skipped it and stayed on a swing on the playground, it was freezing, but I was so happy to hear your sweet voice. I got your new number, wrote it on a pair of jeans that I will probably never get rid of despite the fact that I haven't worn them in over a year. The last thing we said before hanging up the phone that night was, "I love you." I couldn't ask for better last words, but I can't help but think that I should still be able to say them to you and not your ghost. I can't bring myself to delete your number and I still have your old house number memorized, I doubt I'll ever forget it.

Four days after I left my boyfriend, I got a call. I immediately recognized the area code and something in me knew, but I shoved that thought down and denied it to myself. Then I answered the phone, it was your sister, Grace. She told me what happened, that you shot yourself in the head. That you were supposed to be at church. That you hadn't talked to her in 2 weeks and she knew something was wrong. All I could say was, "I'm sorry," over and over and over and over. My brain all but shut down, I almost couldn't accept what she was saying. I didn't want to believe it. Ten minutes after I got off the phone with her, I felt like I had been trampled, it all hit me. I was driving and had to pull over, off the road; my eyes too blurry to see 5 feet in front of my car. I called my mom, told her what happened, every breath I tried to take felt like it was being stolen from my lungs, I couldn't stop. It was the worst panic attack I've ever had. My heart was literally breaking; it felt like an immense weight on my chest and my heartbeat wasn't normal.

I drove to my ex's house and cried on his shoulders for well over 6 hours. I cried so much that I literally had nothing left in me. I was dehydrated, I was tired, my eyes hurt, my body ached, but my heart was shattered. Four days after that, he called me and yelled at me for crying over you, he said you were selfish and that you didn't love anyone but yourself. That if you did, you wouldn't have killed yourself and put me and Grace and Allie through all of this. He yelled at me, Jesse, for crying. Never in my life have I felt more shocked and angered. I knew then that I wasn't going to get back together with him like he wanted, even in death, you were still a deal breaker.

I have a piece of paper hiding in the back of my phone with my battery. It's a tattoo design, it's your name, Jesse Isaac. I'm going to get it on my right middle finger, on the side. A reminder that I could have done more, despite what everyone says. A future reminder because I'm sure that at some point, I will meet someone who just needs a hug and a to be told they're loved. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. It's my biggest regret in life. And when I have kids, I will name my first son Jesse.

Allie seems to be doing okay, she has a tattoo in memory of you, she's kind of blond now. She told me that everyday feels like a nightmare that she will never wake up from. Grace is doing pretty good too, but she feels like she has to be strong for Allie and for me, I wish I could tell her that she doesn't have to, but I understand it. They both miss you so much. I'm sad that I will never go to your wedding, I know you and Allie were going to get married. You guys were together for over 6 years, I know you loved each other.

I'm doing pretty good right now, I've been taking a swing dancing class. I hope that makes you smile, you're part of why I do it. I keep doing things that remind me of you, like I'm trying to live for you. I miss you so much, I have so much emotion in me about all of this, I don't even know where to start expressing it. I love you so much Jesse, I know it's too late to say it but I do. I love you more than words could ever possibly express, I always have. I shouldn't blame myself for what you did, but I can't help it. Part of me is so mad, I want to yell and scream an destroy everything. I almost wish I could bring myself to be mad at you, but I can't, I can only be mad at myself. I just wish I knew what you were thinking. I hope that your last thought was that you didn't actually want to do it. I know there's not, my logical side knows it's impossible, but I need to know you're okay, wherever you are. Please tell me you are. I love you and I'm sorry for not letting you know sooner how much. I hope you can forgive me.

- Jetaime Janae