Note: While writing this post, I was unable to control my emotions and could not see the screen for most of the time spent writing. As such, this post is littered with minor grammatical and spelling errors. I would have fixed them but I can't seem to make it past the first paragraph without getting blurry eyed. I apologize in advance for this.
I miss you more than I can ever possibly describe, I love you more than you ever knew. I just can't help but to think that if you knew how much I love you, that you wouldn't be gone, that I wouldn't be sitting on my bed crying too much to actually see what I'm writing. I don't want to write this, not about you. I can't help but think that if I told you more how much you were loved, that you wouldn't have done it, that I could have saved you. But that's hat everyone tells me I shouldn't think, but when have I ever listened to what everyone says? Part of me keeps holding onto the hope that I'll see you again, but at best it'll just be a tombstone. You were such a beautiful person, one of my favorite people ever. I'll always miss you, I'll always love you.
I remember when we met, summer camp in Minnesota. I was 12, you were 14 and so charming. Our awkward conversations continued the whole 2 weeks, I think you're the closest to love at first sight that I've ever experienced. Your baby blues seemed to look into me and just know what I was feeling and thinking. You were the first guy to ever actively take an interest in me and you thought my crazy, blue Cleopatra eyeliner was awesome. We learned to dance and you completely stole my heart, not that I fought giving it to you. That canoe trip that we went on separately nearly killed both of us, our puppy love filled hearts couldn't stand being apart for 3 days. I remember we gave each other the biggest hug afterward, I think they separated us on purpose.
The time flew by, those 2 weeks were not nearly long enough and the next thing I knew, we were standing next to the lake saying our goodbyes. Neither of us wanted to go and we stalled as much as we could. You gave me a hug, an amazing hug that I wish so desperately I could have another of. And then you kissed me. It was a small, timid one on my cheek, but it was my first kiss. We walked towards the buses and left. I cried openly and you tried not to. Every moment of that bus ride to the airport, my insides were screaming to turn around and go back to you. The second I got on the plane and sat down, I started writing you a letter.
After we both got home, we spent as much time on the phone as we could and we wrote what we thought were the most beautiful love letters to each other. I was actually convinced I would marry you one day. Time went on and we didn't talk every day or write as often. We still kept in touch, but I think we both knew that the distance between us was too great. Of course the Florida girl had to fall for the California cutie.
Life went on and I ended up in my boarding school in Mexico. I remember when I got the call from my mom, you had called her looking for me but I wasn't there. Your mom had died and you called me looking for support. I was a wreck, worrying about you, wishing I could actually be there for you. I was allowed to e-mail you through my mom and you got some of your frustrations out, but it wasn't helping. Depression took a hold of you and never really let go. Your world was shattered and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I wanted to be so badly.
After Mexico, I made a Myspace and we were in constant contact again. We talked about how awesome it would be to see each other again, and it would have been. Life kept happening to both of us, I had my boy troubles, you met Allie. I could instantly tell that there was something super special about her by how you talked. I remember being so happy for you, that things were finally starting to look up in your life, for now. You guys had an on/off relationship that seemed to be both good and bad for both of you. When she wasn't around, you got on drugs really bad. I was watching you spiral and I could do nothing to stop it. There were too many nights where I cried myself to sleep not knowing if you were dead or alive, praying that if you were alive, that you were okay. The reality was that you never recovered from the death of your mom. It hurt so much to see you in so much pain and to be so completely helpless. I wished I could take it away, I would have gladly carried your pain, your burden, if it meant that your eyes could smile when you did, instead of looking hollow.
I know I never told you this, but you were a deal breaker in any relationship I was in; if I wasn't "allowed" to talk to you, then it was over. It didn't matter how much I liked the guy or how much he had going for him, you were always more important to me. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that enough.
It's been 2 years since we last talked. You were getting off drugs, you and Allie were doing good, you sounded really happy. I remember the last time we talked on the phone, I was at church. I skipped it and stayed on a swing on the playground, it was freezing, but I was so happy to hear your sweet voice. I got your new number, wrote it on a pair of jeans that I will probably never get rid of despite the fact that I haven't worn them in over a year. The last thing we said before hanging up the phone that night was, "I love you." I couldn't ask for better last words, but I can't help but think that I should still be able to say them to you and not your ghost. I can't bring myself to delete your number and I still have your old house number memorized, I doubt I'll ever forget it.
Four days after I left my boyfriend, I got a call. I immediately recognized the area code and something in me knew, but I shoved that thought down and denied it to myself. Then I answered the phone, it was your sister, Grace. She told me what happened, that you shot yourself in the head. That you were supposed to be at church. That you hadn't talked to her in 2 weeks and she knew something was wrong. All I could say was, "I'm sorry," over and over and over and over. My brain all but shut down, I almost couldn't accept what she was saying. I didn't want to believe it. Ten minutes after I got off the phone with her, I felt like I had been trampled, it all hit me. I was driving and had to pull over, off the road; my eyes too blurry to see 5 feet in front of my car. I called my mom, told her what happened, every breath I tried to take felt like it was being stolen from my lungs, I couldn't stop. It was the worst panic attack I've ever had. My heart was literally breaking; it felt like an immense weight on my chest and my heartbeat wasn't normal.
I drove to my ex's house and cried on his shoulders for well over 6 hours. I cried so much that I literally had nothing left in me. I was dehydrated, I was tired, my eyes hurt, my body ached, but my heart was shattered. Four days after that, he called me and yelled at me for crying over you, he said you were selfish and that you didn't love anyone but yourself. That if you did, you wouldn't have killed yourself and put me and Grace and Allie through all of this. He yelled at me, Jesse, for crying. Never in my life have I felt more shocked and angered. I knew then that I wasn't going to get back together with him like he wanted, even in death, you were still a deal breaker.
I have a piece of paper hiding in the back of my phone with my battery. It's a tattoo design, it's your name, Jesse Isaac. I'm going to get it on my right middle finger, on the side. A reminder that I could have done more, despite what everyone says. A future reminder because I'm sure that at some point, I will meet someone who just needs a hug and a to be told they're loved. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. It's my biggest regret in life. And when I have kids, I will name my first son Jesse.
Allie seems to be doing okay, she has a tattoo in memory of you, she's kind of blond now. She told me that everyday feels like a nightmare that she will never wake up from. Grace is doing pretty good too, but she feels like she has to be strong for Allie and for me, I wish I could tell her that she doesn't have to, but I understand it. They both miss you so much. I'm sad that I will never go to your wedding, I know you and Allie were going to get married. You guys were together for over 6 years, I know you loved each other.
I'm doing pretty good right now, I've been taking a swing dancing class. I hope that makes you smile, you're part of why I do it. I keep doing things that remind me of you, like I'm trying to live for you. I miss you so much, I have so much emotion in me about all of this, I don't even know where to start expressing it. I love you so much Jesse, I know it's too late to say it but I do. I love you more than words could ever possibly express, I always have. I shouldn't blame myself for what you did, but I can't help it. Part of me is so mad, I want to yell and scream an destroy everything. I almost wish I could bring myself to be mad at you, but I can't, I can only be mad at myself. I just wish I knew what you were thinking. I hope that your last thought was that you didn't actually want to do it. I know there's not, my logical side knows it's impossible, but I need to know you're okay, wherever you are. Please tell me you are. I love you and I'm sorry for not letting you know sooner how much. I hope you can forgive me.
- Jetaime Janae
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